Dear N
by Comicker
Summary: I find it hard to believe that these words will never find you; I find it hard to grasp the truth hidden within the reality. You're gone now, forever, and I can't change a thing. N/Touko.


Dear N,

* * *

><p>I hate you.<p>

I can't even begin to explain how much I absolutely despise you, your ideals, and the people you supported - the people you lead - to the abuse and neglect of thousand of Pokemon across Unova. You were on the side you claimed to have hated so much. You were blind to your own Father's corrupted views because no matter how much pain he inflicted upon you, physically or emotionally, you loved him with all your heart. He was all you ever knew.

Did you even know what love was?

…

Yes, of course you did. You sought it in the arms of your Pokemon; they spoke to you, whispered sweet words, they numbed the pain - didn't they? Isn't that why you fought so hard for their rights? All you could see was their suffering, none of their joy. You didn't realize how much love you brought into their lives, all the joy and friendship that warmed their hearts. All you saw was their pain.

Was it really their pain?

Or was it your own?

"_As long as Pokémon are confined in Poké Balls... Pokémon will never become perfect beings. I have to change the world for Pokémon, because they're my friends."_

When I first met you, your jumbled up sentences and all too forward nature was far too endearing for your own good. Sure, Cheren thought you were creepy (and a bit stalkerish, I might add) but… you just wanted to hear their voices. To know that your pain wasn't everywhere. It intrigued you, the friendship that my Pokemon and I shared. All your life, you had been surrounded by conceited ideals and neglect.

I wish I knew that then.

Because I didn't, I disregarded your beliefs. I cast you aside. To me, at the time, you were just another one of those people who wished to force their ideals upon others so they could see the world like you did. It seemed so conceited. So terribly, horrifically conceited that I wanted nothing to you with you. Still, despite my best attempts, you always found a way across my path. No matter where I went or what I did, you seemed to be doing the same.

Why?

_"I... want to see things no one can see. The truths of Pokémon inside Poké Balls. The ideals of how Trainers should be. And a future where Pokémon have become perfect... Do you feel the same?"_

Of course I felt the same. It wasn't as if I never cared for my Pokemon, I loved each and every one of them from the moment they came to me. I loved your Pokemon, too. Their devotion to you, their determination, it was like I could hear their voices too. You couldn't see it, but I could. You made it your personal mission, from then and there, for me to see the world in the same light as you. I was too stubborn to admit…

_"You're looking for Team Plasma, right? They ran into the amusement park. Come with me." _

You had beautiful eyes. There was a light feeling about your laughter, too, it reminded me of a feather. Soft, very fragile chuckles that sounded too innocent for a seventeen year old boy. It was like you had this genuine innocence, something not many people seemed to pride themselves upon.

_"They're not here. Let's ride the Ferris wheel and see if we can spot them. I love Ferris Wheels… The circular motion… The mechanics… They're like collections of elegant formulas." _

As we sat together, riding up into the beautiful night sky - I looked over to you and saw you gazing out the window. You were smiling then, much unlike I had ever seen you smile before. It was contemplative yet eerily calm; like the movement and perplexity of the ride itself seemed to soothe you to your very core. I caught your gaze then, but it didn't feel like it had when we were battling. Without saying a word, you recognized me for who I was and what I believed - and for that split second, I felt as if everything had made peace. No longer would I have to fight you over your beliefs or your dreams; it was just one, peaceful moment. I blushed lightly and looked away, enjoying the absolute peace that seemed to warm my heart.

_"First, I must tell you... I am the king of Team Plasma. Ghetsis asked me to work with him to save Pokémon. I wonder how many Pokémon exist in this world." _

…Why?

Why now?

_"There's no problem. You're part of the people we brought in to help us save the Pokémon. So, you're under my protection, as well. Go, quickly, and let my battle cover your retreat. ...White, do you follow my logic?"_

My peace was shattered.

How _could_ you?

_"You're quite strong. But I have a future that I must change. And, for that future... I'll defeat the Champion and become unbeatable, unlike any other! I'll make all Trainers free their Pokémon! Just try and stop me! If you want to be together with Pokémon, your only hope is to collect the Badges from each area and head for the Pokémon League! Try and stop me there, if you dare! If your conviction is not strong enough, you will never be able to defeat me."_

I didn't want to defeat you. I wanted to be together with my Pokemon, and with you. Didn't you understand? Abuse exists everywhere. Even if trainers were eliminated, there would still be that lingering feeling. Did you think you would feel reassured? Did you think the world would change and follow suit to your beliefs, simply because you believed them?

I didn't want to fight you.

You made it so.

_"Many different values mix together, and the world becomes gray... That is unforgivable! I will separate Pokémon and people, and black and white will be clearly distinct! Only then will Pokémon become perfect beings! Yes, that is my dream! That is the dream I must fulfill!"_

You were such a tyrant, gallivanting on in your speeches about Pokemon liberation and release. I missed the boy I saw in the amusement park, the one who's innocent smile seemed to bring new life. I missed the love and devotion you had shown to your Pokemon; a love which, since then, had been replaced by bitterness. Has Ghestis really gotten to you that badly? Where were your stunning, dream-filled eyes?

"_White… do you have a dream of your own?"_

I wish you would have smiled more.

_"You're saying I should just allow people to think whatever they want and treat Pokémon however they want, no matter whether the Pokémon suffer? I refuse to tolerate the existence of a world like that!"_

You just didn't understand.

As you stormed off in a flurry, I watched your back with steady eyes.

I felt like crying for you. It didn't seem like you could do it yourself…

_"They may say it is for understanding one another better, but what Trainers really use battles for is to compete... And they hurt each others' Pokémon! Am I the only one who finds this terribly painful? Whatever... I'm going to talk to your Pokémon. I've been living with Pokémon since I was born, so it's easier for me to talk with them than with people. ...Because Pokémon never tell lies."_

We laughed together then, a small acknowledgement of the fact that you sounded absolutely ridiculous. You bent down beside my team, watching them with steady eyes and one hand stretched out. I took a step back, wanting to give you space and to see you completely at peace - the way I had seen you so long ago.

I bent down beside them, meeting your eyes with my own and reaching out to take your hand. At first, you seemed rather surprised - I didn't mean to surprise you - and then you blushed a beautiful rose. The color lit up your cheeks quite wonderfully.

You heard the voice of my Pokemon, but you also heard mine too.

As much as you were my rival, my opponent and the person I had to defeat - you also meant so much to me.

"…_What? Don't look at me like that, White. You're… you're beautiful, you know. Your dreams are magnificent. The unification of people and Pokemon, bound by mutual respect and love… I…"_

It broke my heart to hear those words, knowing soon that I would lose you. Soon, it would be one or the other. The battle at the castle, and then the final battle between us… it all had to end. Of course, our opinions on truth and ideals - they were different.

But why did you have to leave me?

"_I want to ask you something."_

I want to ask you something too, N.

Do you miss me? Do you miss me the way I miss you?

Is there an aching, an everlasting need that I've placed inside your heart as you have in mine?

I can hear the voices of my Pokemon, but I want to hear your told me to make my dream come true, to pursue the path that I wanted most and to understand and cherish each and every moment with my Pokemon. The conviction of your request was almost unbearable. My dream?

You.

It's always been you.

I find it hard to believe that these words will never find you; I find it hard to grasp the truth hidden within the reality. You're gone now, forever, and I can't change a thing.

…

I love you.

I can't even begin to explain how much I absolutely love you, your ideals, and the people you supported - the people you lead - your commitment to supporting and cherishing thousand of Pokemon across Unova. You were on the side you claimed to have hated so much. You were blind to your own Father's corrupted views because no matter how much pain he inflicted upon you, physically or emotionally, you loved him with all your heart. He was all you ever knew.

Did you even realize that I love you?

* * *

><p>White.<p> 


End file.
